(not that i could improve on l. frank baum or anything… some extreme liberties taken with the book and screenplay here)

the cast

harriet miers as dorothy

george w. bush as the cowardly lion

pat buchanan as the tin man, a.k.a. the heartless republican

harry reid as toto, a little yappy dog

the democrats opposing president bush will for the purposes of this parody be played by munchkins

evil conservatives will be played by the flying monkeys

and starring as the wizard of d.c. (who else?)- kArL rOve!

SCENE 1 (in which we learn that all is controlled by the wizard of d.c. except one important decision):

we see a house inconveniently parked on top of an evil witch. we see someone opening the door of the house, and stepping outside into a foreign land, where everything is suddenly in color and we can now see the difference between good characters and bad characters. the cowardly lion wanted to meet the munchkins (and really, who wouldn’t?) so he appears at the beginning of the scene.

DOROTHY: who am I? how did i get here? i don’t remember buying those red shoes, but they sure don’t match this suit. this is all the cowardly lion’s fault. but i shouldn’t worry…the wizard will fix everything.

now all i have to do is find him.

MUNCHKINS: (singing) follow the yellow brick road. follow, follow, follow, etc

DOROTHY: well that’s a lot of help. where’s my GPS? guess i must have left it back in texas. hey, chewbacca, could you stop crying for just one second and tell me where the right road is?

TOTO: (barking at CL)

CL: (CRYING)

DOROTHY: great. thanks a lot. i should have known better than to invite you to come along on this trip.

oh look…i see a big sign over there. it says, “D.C. this way–beware of flying monkeys”. that’s weird. i’ve always liked monkeys. how scary could they be anyway? let’s go, lion.

(both following the yellow brick road)

they soon come upon a man made of tin who has rusted away for lack of attention. the oil can conveniently located right next to the man restores his ability to move and to speak normally, or at least coherently.

TIN GUY: thank you so much. i was afraid everyone had forgotten about me. i wish i could be grateful enough to support your case to the wizard, but quite frankly, it’s a rather weak case. i would be surprised if he saw you at all.

DOROTHY: so i guess i should ask you NOT to come with us. i don’t need another axe in my back (figuratively speaking of course).

TIN GUY: don’t get me wrong. i’m still coming with you. it’s tough being ignored. opposing you would make me popular with the flying monkeys. and i’m all about primate approval. hey, wasn’t there supposed to be a scarecrow with the two of you?

DOROTHY: he got lost back in the cornfield. but i don’t need him. i don’t need this walking hairball either. i can get to the wizard all by myself.

TIN GUY: not if i have anything to say about it. let’s go.

they skip along the yellow brick road for a while, singing really bad songs and generally annoying the heck out of each other. the cowardly lion tries to speak, but by now no one is paying attention to him. the tin man wisely suggests avoiding the poppy field and the place where the trees throw apples.

they finally reach the gates to the green city, where an oddly dressed gatekeeper blocks their path.

GK: state your business here, ruffians.

DOROTHY: we want to see the wizard.

GK: sure you do. what makes you worthy to see the great and powerful wizard of d.c.?

DOROTHY: well, because i’m a girl. i’m one of the best girls around. that’s what the lion says anyway. i do have some experience talking to other wizards, and they could tell you that i wouldn’t be wasting his time.

GK: that’s it? that’s your whole argument?

TIN GUY: well, i do like those red shoes.

before dorothy could answer the gatekeeper, an army of flying monkeys appears and carries her off to the dark, ugly castle, where she will spend the rest of her life in isolation. thanks to the tin guy tipping off the monkeys, dorothy will never get to see the gatekeeper again. so what happened to the cowardly lion? even without any help from the wizard, he finds his courage and ditches toto.

if you want serious analysis of president bush’s current SCOTUS nominee, judge sam alito jr., you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow. right now…i will simply say that i like the pick very much.